Deep Winter: December, 2012

It’s a warm day in Denver (nearly 60 degrees), a breeze blowing the last shreds of autumn’s leaves around, the sun reflecting off the Platte River and through the windows of the only Starbucks in the city that doesn’t feel corporate and sterile.

But it still feels like winter to me. I can feel the doldrums trying to break me.

Simone is off on her annual pilgrimage to Omaha, and I won’t see her for a week. Dad’s dealing with new health issues, and I can’t be there to keep him company. Hanukkah is long over, and the proximity of Christmas is making lonely Jew time especially poignant (curse you, Starbucks music!).

And I’m here, in beautiful beautiful Colorado, far from family, alone.

Damn, that’s way too much self-pity.

The good news is that Heebonism is tomorrow night, which means I’ll be drinking and laughing with 600 of my favorite people (and then it’ll be over, taking the planning stress away with it), I’ve landed my company a slew of healthy contracts for 2013, I have awesome friends nearby, a Roku box full of guilty pleasure TV shows and movies to keep me occupied, and the Broncos are going to the playoffs. Oh, and I have two novellas that tease my next young adult novel on Amazon.

But I’m blue. It’s nothing acute, but I can feel that winter sadness slipping in through the cracks, pangs of ache drifting through when I let my guard down.

I know the sources of my pain, and I know that having someone to hold my hand isn’t a silver bullet. But, damn, it sounds like just what I need.

I’m relieved that, when things start to feel sideways, my sisters have spouses and family who can circle the wagons for them, pick up the slack with the kids, and hug them close. I have a network of warm and loving friends, but it’s not the same as having someone at home who knows what I need and wants to take care of me for a little while.

When my father called to talk to me about what’s going on, all I wanted was to fly out and be there with him. But parenting and other commitments kept me in Denver. I spent the rest of the day feeling aimless and powerless, unable to focus on work stuff. Picking Simone up after school meant getting my head back in the game so I could be present for her; asking about her day, helping her with homework, making dinner. As we were sitting at the table after finishing off our tilapia and Brussels sprouts, I gave her a safe synopsis of the news, letting her know that Zaide was doing well but needed our prayers. Simone got up from her chair and hugged me, knowing that I was sad and worried.

It was a sweet gesture, and was comforting, of course. But it would be wrong to depend on my little girl to be the person to help me through when times get tough. I’m the dad and she’s the child. I’m her caretaker; not the other way around. I am overjoyed that she has the generosity of spirit and empathy to help others when they’re feeling down, and her hugs go a long way. But it’s my job to be strong and positive for her, to be open and honest about my feelings, and not to let them get in the way of being the parent.

I am a kick-ass caretaker. I learned that well from my family.

But, damn, it would be a comfort to have someone I love and trust take my face in her hands, tell me everything is going to be okay, kiss me on the forehead, and offer to make dinner.

It’s okay, though, because being aware of the signs of my winter doldrums means I can take steps to keep them from taking root right away:

• I’m going to talk to my best friends, and ask them to make me leave the house for food and fun when I start acting the hermit. 
• I’m going to intersperse my daily to-do lists with tasks that make me happy, like walking down the street for an espresso, wondering to the river and skipping rocks, taking chocolate breaks, and Skyping with people in my life who make me smile. 
• Not like this has been a problem, but I’m going to pay special attention to eating well and hitting the gym. 
• Oh...and I’m going to pick back up my yoga practice, because that has always been an effective method for chasing away stress and sadness. 
• I’m not going to go looking for a girlfriend, but I am going to keep my heart open to the possibility that she’ll find me when the time is right. 
• Simone and I are going fill our winter days and nights with grand and small adventures — snowboarding, dessert outings, movie days, video games, even a trip or two. 
• I’m going to Skype with my family more often. Feeling so far away from them is one of the things that make this time of year hurt most, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed with bat mitzvah planning. We have some big family gatherings coming up, so supplementing with video calls will keep me feeling like I’m not so far away. 
• I’m usually so good at recognizing something magical in my life every single day — so I’m going to put up some post-its reminding me to do just that. 

Last year’s doldrums were the worst I’d had in recent memory, in part because they took me by surprise. I see those little assholes this time, and I’m going to do my best to chase them off before they can settle in.

Do you get weighed down by wintertime blues? Do you have go-to strategies or activities that keep you from going over the ledge? I know I’m not the only one who’d appreciate your thoughts in the comments below.

I hope your winter months are filled with snuggles and movies and fireplaces. And snowboarding. And comfort food. And joy. Lots and lots of joy.

Comments

[S. Altepeter]

I feel your pain. I've always known how lonely I felt but never been able to "hit the nail directly on the head" as you have. Unless your family is far from you, you cannot know the depth of emptiness that prevails. I am sorry that you are feeling this way and will hope that both of us find that special someone that restores our smile to our sad faces.

[terri]

i think all of your strategies for curing the winter blues sound great! at least in denver you have sunshine! it has been straight cold, snow and yuck in ohio for weeks w/no sun in sight for a while. so much for getting that vitamin D! i have a list of things that help me through the winter doldrums, but i have to admit, it's not always the easiest. i could not even force myself to get to the gym today. it was 16' outside, and i would much rather be snug as a bug by the fire, then even getting in the car to drive to the gym! keep your head up! there are brighter days ahead!!! oh and happy new year!