It’s Just a Date: December, 2010

This may come as a shock, but sometimes I get turned down for dates. I know, I know... how could someone resist the charms of the mayor of Denver? Even his mom thinks he’s a catch!  But...sigh...it’s true. 

I don’t have an issue (mostly) with the women who give me specific reasons for declining, e.g. I’m a dad, my age, my overpowering masculinity, the fact that she can already tell I’m trouble, or even my religion. But, lately, I’ve been rebuffed (kindly) for reasons that don’t seem to have anything to do with me. “I’m not ready to date,” or “I’m taking a break from dating.” Obviously, these excuses could be a kinder way of saying that the woman just isn’t interested in going out with me. But I try to take them at face value (because, really, why wouldn’t she be interested in me?), respond kindly with “Well...if you change your mind...” and move on.

But, as a guy who tends to over-think, I can’t help but recognize when someone is doing that very same thing. It’s easy to get nervous or assign some tension around going out with someone new.

But, really? It’s just a date. I’m not asking for your hand in marriage, or even for a commitment to anything particularly involved. I’m asking you out because I find you smart/attractive/interesting/crazy/funny/hot/bad for me/convenient, and I’d like to learn more about who you are, beyond your Facebook persona.

So stop thinking so much, or worrying, and go out with me. Once.

I’m a very good first date. I’ll plan out something fun and interactive for us to do. It won’t be interviewing each other over coffee. It’ll generally include great food and drink, opportunities for conversation, and some unexpected bits that make us both laugh. I’ll insist on paying (because I asked you out), I’ll make you feel special and important (because you are, if I’m giving up one of my limited off-duty evenings to spend time with you). 

And if you’re really, really lucky, I’ll kiss you at some point before the date ends.

Also, because I’ve made a commitment to myself to just date and not worry about longterm potential, to enjoy the moment and the opportunity of meeting someone new and interesting, our date will be fun, but you’ll never feel like you’re being tested for some larger role in my life. We’ll go out, do some stuff, laugh a bit.

It’s just a date. 

And, yes, I’m bringing back the word “date.” Enough of the vague “let’s hang out” crap. 

A couple months ago, I was having an IM chat with a very attractive friend of a friend, and I mentioned that I hadn’t seen her in awhile. When she recommended we fix that, I asked her what she had in mind. She said, “Well, I have my kids this week, so I can’t go out on a date until next Monday or Tuesday.”

I was amazed that she used the d-word in such an unabashed way. And then I was amazed that I was amazed. When had “date” taken on such power? By using the word, she set the tone of our rendezvous. I didn’t spend our fun evening together wondering if we were on a date or were just hanging out as friends. It was refreshing, really, to know that she saw me as a dating prospect, and not just another single parent to pal around with. Just because I enjoy going out on dates doesn’t mean I’m not open to the right first date turning into something lasting.

I realized that I may have been sending out vague signals by not using clear language. And I also realized that I could save myself from a fair number of ambiguous evenings out (and more than a few bucks) if I was very clear from the outset that I was interested in taking a woman out for an actual date (or a date-date, which means that I’m planning, I’m driving, I’m paying, and I’m doing all of the much-deserved spoiling and pampering for the evening). When I use clear language, you can decide whether to say yes based on your interest in me. If you say, “Well, I don’t want to go on a date with you, but I’d love to hang out as friends,” we both know what the story is. Neither of us is left wondering what the nature of our time together will be. 

And you’re always welcome to change your mind, right? So we’re hanging out as friends, and you realize can’t stop looking at my lips? You’re allowed to say, “I’ve changed my mind. I want this to be a date.” And then I can agree with that change (likely) or disagree (unlikely).

We seem to live in a time when romance is perceived as threatening in some way, and where the word “date” has taken on a power and a meaning that it doesn’t actually possess. 

I’m a romantic man — I’m wired that way, and I like it — so if I ask you out on a date, it’s going to be a warm and inviting experience. But that doesn’t mean there’s any pressure for our time together to be anything more than fun. 

Let’s take the word “date” back. Let’s use it freely, but also lightly — without high stakes implications. Let’s go out on a date, because we want to spend time together and see what happens next. If we enjoy each other, great...maybe we’ll go on a second date. And if there’s no spark, at least we got to know each other. And now you can set me up with your single friends.

You can start by saying, “I know a devastatingly handsome single dad who’s an amazing first date..."

Comments

[D]

Somewhere along the way "hanging out" became the new "date". It works in some cases, but other times (as you have noted) it creates questions regarding intentions & interest.

Perhaps this is a reflection upon our means of communicating, in the wonky world we live in. We create more of the word "date" than need be, yet the world alone does decipher different intentions vs. "hanging out" or whatever the kids are using these days.

[Porter]

God, I'm glad I'm not single anymore. Lots of luck to you my friend.

[Daisy]

Great attitude.. No pressure. Way too much intensity surrounding dating or simply enjoying a nite out w/out commitment and promises of forever..
Thanks for the humorous read.

[Michelle Fox]

You were right--I do appreciate this one! Clear language = authentic relationships. Another great post EE!

[Stephanie Hight]

I agree with all of this. Clear language shouldn't be intimidating. You are a great first date :). Planning, paying (not necessary but appreciated, especially by other single parents), pampering. It's a date. It's something I'll look forward to and get dressed up for and chat with my friends about before and after.

I have taken breaks from dating before and have said as much to guys who've asked me on date-dates or even just to hang out. My time is limited too, and what if I hang out with a guy and then change my mind halfway through the evening and then it's a date and then I want to see him again and oh CRAP although I had very good reasons for taking a break from dating, here I am dating and running into the issues I'd wanted to sort out before I went and got all inclined to hang out, date, not f*$#@ others or whatever the arrangement ends up being. I write "what if" but it's happened. More than once.

My regret ends up being when that relationship ends and I take a good hard look at it...that it might have gone better had I been really ready to meet someone. My .02 cents.

[Michelle Bar-Evan]

Hey you!

I had a guy contact me from match a couple of years ago and told me straight out "I don't want to date you, but love to hang out with you. I think we'd get a long great" He's now one of my closest friends! Totally appreciate the up-front lingo!

[Alexandra C]

I appreciate and agree with your piece about clear and concise language, particularly in the dating world.

However, as a divorced mother, entrenched in the excitement of "learning to date" I disagree with your description of a first date as "just a date". When I agree to go out with someone on a first date I am agreeing to an interview. Will I get dressed up? Yes. Will I be open-minded about having a good time? Yes. Will I enjoy a little pampering? You bet.

However, how am I possibly to know whether I want to "date" someone or "hang out" with someone until after the first interview?

[Hayley]

How is it possible that you managed to perfectly express what I have been thinking?!
Every time I consider diving back into the dating pool, I back away in fear of the 'loaded' inevitable pressure. From a female perspective (seeing as I am one), it is nice to know that the honest approach takes the edge off and you can relax, be yourself and just see where it goes...
You sound wonderful, and whomever gets to go on a first (and maybe more) 'date' with you is a lucky girl!

[Mary Bar]

ask Hayley (poster above) out on a date...