Man-up: June, 2010

I just read a fascinating article in the Atlantic (one of my favorite magazines of all time) about the rise of women, and it has given me a ton to think about. 

Author Hannah Rosin has broken down the reasons and probable effects of the many ways in which women are rapidly becoming the dominant forces in society — how so many more women than men are graduating with college and advanced degrees; how traditionally male-dominated industries are waning in our post-production economy; how more and more women are becoming the primary wage-earners in their families — they’re more than 50% of the middle managers in the US; and how marriage as an institution and social value is changing (some would say evaporating). 

Oh, and how the alpha male is an endangered species, with pop culture now celebrating the “omega” male — hapless, clueless, in need of a competent woman to put his life in order. 

“This often-unemployed, romantically challenged loser can show up as a perpetual adolescent (in Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up or The 40-Year-Old Virgin), or a charmless misanthrope (in Noah Baumbach’s Greenberg), or a happy couch potato (in a Bud Light commercial),” she writes.  

That observation may lead me to laugh less during Apatow-esque comedies.

Reading the article, two take-home messages took roost in my brain. First, that I’m thrilled for Simone. And, second, that too many guys have given up on being men. 

I mean, what a great time to be the father of an intelligent, opinionated, independent daughter! Looking at the ways the world is changing, and the potential for Simone’s role in shaping those changes, I can only feel elation about her options as she grows into adulthood. Simone will have opportunities for leadership, for success, for professional fulfillment like no generation before her, and I’m grateful to the women who made the sacrifices that are giving girls like Simone such an open road ahead. 

We used to joke that Simone’s sophisticated taste for food (e.g. sushi) and culture would make her an expensive date and a challenge for boys. It was humorous and a point of pride to say that men might be intimidated by her strong will and precocious affinities. But it’s not quite as funny, after reading how there are fewer and fewer men who are as successful and ambitious as today’s women, and how many women are either unable to find an equal partner or are settling for less than they deserve. Simone may have a tough time of it.  But I hope that she maintains high standards, and, when the time comes, she’ll find a guy who’s as intelligent and driven and as socially adept as she is.

Which brings me to the second important revelation I got from reading the article, which is that men need to suck it up and grow some balls.

I’m not saying we need to fight back, or reclaim what’s ours. I’m not whooping out an anti-feminist war cry, or bemoaning our loss of power. 

I am saying that we need to be strong and ambitious enough to deserve the love and admiration of these powerful women. And we need to be role models for the boys and young men in our lives — to be sensitive and generous, of course! But also to be manly, to be hunters, to strive for a better life.

I’ve never had much patience for the beta male. Maybe it’s because, in my formative relationships, I allowed myself to be bossed around, and was always, always conciliatory, to a pathetic degree. When I first re-entered the dating world seven years ago, I was intimidated by the behavior required to get dates, and I felt ill-equipped to go after a woman I was interested in. The relative safety of online dating allowed me to court women using my strengths: writing, romancing, and careful, thought-out communication. I didn’t have to worry about small talk, or the right approach to the speak with the woman at the bookstore. I garnered a ton of dates that way, and made some long-lasting friends, too. But I wasn’t gaining strength where I needed it. It wasn’t until I started into the launch of my first startup (funded by two media corporations) that I found my voice. Protecting my idea and a new brand from those who would neuter its power and potential became more important than just going along with things or avoiding conflict. Success in getting my way (for the good of the company) empowered me, and woke me up to the sense of well-being that comes from taking charge of one’s own destiny.

So, reading this article about the lack of drive in today’s young men, or at least their inability to thrive in the current landscape, annoyed me. Not just because I want Simone to have a deep pool of smart, successful guys to choose from, but because having men become the second class citizens of society is as unacceptable as women keeping that role. We need to do everything we can to give women AND men the opportunities to contribute to our world, equally.

I’ve said it before; I’m a sucker for a strong, opinionated, intelligent woman. I’m not one of those guys who’s looking for a nice girl to boss around. I want to find someone who can keep up with me (yes, definitely in the way you’re thinking right now, but also socially and intellectually), who challenges me, and who keeps me striving to be a better man. The women in my life — my best friends, my sisters, my mother, my colleagues — tend to have the drive and sense of will that, in turn, keeps me motivated to work harder. 

And certainly being Simone’s father is the ultimate motivation to evolve and strive.

Sure, I love to be nurtured, and I’m sensitive and romantic. I know how to compromise for the sake of harmony. But I’m also a kick-ass provider, physically strong, and fiercely protective of those I love. I can give in, and I’m often described as soft-spoken, but I’m also very happy to push up my sleeves and get into a brawl (figuratively, most of the time) when the situation calls for it. And when it comes down to it, I’m willing to work my ass off for the rewards of success and fulfillment.

Most of my best pals are as driven and confident as I am. We channel our own fathers, who gave us the tools and the encouragement to be real men. 

But now, whether we have sons or not, it looks like we need to bring up the next generation of males to our standards — to help the “often-unemployed, romantically challenged losers” to understand that, though some women find their lax, unwashed, and wishy-washy behavior to be disarming and cuddly, they’re doing a distinct disservice to our gender. 

We also need to be there for the single moms in our lives, who are undoubtedly doing a wonderful job raising well-rounded, confident children, but who might be open to instilling some alpha energy in their boys.

And we need to lead by example, encouraging young men to step up and become vital, enduring members of the world around them. 

Yes, I said “members.”

The dick joke is supremely manly. Especially when you grab your own while making it.

Be a man for the sake of our gender. Be a man for the sake of our girls. Be a man for the sake of modern society. Hell, be a man for the sake of lively, confident, laugh-filled, happy sex!

So who’s with me?

Comments

[Prima Donna]

I'm with you! Except.. um, I'm a chick so can I just order up 1 strong, crazy, independent, sensitive yet macho, confident yet down-to-earth, fast-talking, sharp-looking, individual of the male species?

Per Fervore:)

[Whatswithdiane.blogspot.com]

Hey, Dad. Three comments:

1. I confess to Googling "Apatow."
2. Nice article reference. Lately I've been killing time at the ball in Bourdieu and, although the bachelors are totally lame, I still get to wear a fabulous gown!
3. Your best pals sound awesome. My girlfriends are strong, opinionated, intelligent AND cute. How come we never run into each other at the same parties?

[chandi]

OMG! you described my ex perfectly: "hapless, clueless, in need of a competent woman to put his life in order." !!!

And on that note I love your line: "I’m a sucker for a strong, opinionated, intelligent woman." That was always me but in my marriage I "learned" that I had to "tone it down." I also learned this from other primary men in my life. I realize there ARE alpha males out there who are NOT threatened by strong women.... but they've been lacking in my life unfortunately.

[Sarah]

I found that guy, and love him more each year, more than 13 so far (that says a lot considering the current divorce rate.) He is supportive and tolerant, and has his own ambition and successes. The trick, then, is how to instill these traits in our two sons... I can only hope they absorb what is the relationship between me and their father, if only through observation of our interactions. If you have any other ideas, I'd be open to them! But for now, as their mother I will continue to try to be their role model in my work, school, and interactions with other human beings. And I'll count on their dad to be the role model for their behavior toward women and their goals as men in world that is becoming increasingly complicated in social and career communication and responsibilities.
Thanks for the blog, Eric, you are inspiring.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=135501385]

I read this article flying from Denver back to San Jose, and I felt two conflicting reactions working themselves out in me. The first is pretty close to yours - damnit, we need to get our heads back on straight.

The second was...peace. It might have been the free drinks (I accidentally flew business class), but I couldn't help but think about how much I trust in the future that Rosin lays out in the article.

Between those two ideas, we'll all, guys and gals, have to pull our weight to make an equitably-shared future for our people.

[Raquel]

i am with you...raised by a mother who went to medical school after divorce and raised 3 amazing children - police officer, social worker, and a PA...

Dad is an LPC...

with you all the way...now help me teach my son to pee standing up..lol!

[Kira Riedel]

Amen.

[Michelle]

Outstanding.

[Mindy@SingleMomSays]

Great post Eric and very well said.

I completely agree that "men need to suck it up and grow some balls." Especaily when it comes to following through on this idea:

"I want to find someone who can keep up with me (yes, definitely in the way you’re thinking right now, but also socially and intellectually), who challenges me, and who keeps me striving to be a better man."

I've met many men who SAY that and probably even believe that's what they want, but when they have it they can't handle it.

What's up with that??

[Family Matters]

Hear, hear.

Come to think of it, this post seems to be based on men as they are portrayed on television. Are you saying TV is reality?!