“Second Mom”: August 2009

A couple times in the last few months, Simone has asked me when she would be getting a “second Mom.” She even mentioned the Peach as a good candidate. My tendency is to smile, shrug, say something like, “It’s going to be a while, sweetheart,” and change the conversation.

But Simone seems to have become more aware that Daddy should have a partner in his life, and that we should have a third member of the family. I’m not sure why it’s been coming up lately. I don’t talk to her about dating, and I don’t act as if anything is missing from our lives.

A couple weeks ago, I had picked Simone up at her other house, and we were driving back to ours. It was a warm day and we had the windows open, the scent of an imminent late afternoon thunderstorm freshening the air as the breeze stirred up the detritus of a lived-in car—gum and straw wrappers, unredeemed car wash receipts, forgotten kids meal toys—when the subject of dating came up. I can’t remember how it started, but I do remember Simone stating, “Well, you don’t date much.”

I laughed. At any other time in the last six years, she would have been way off with that remark. Until lately, I’ve managed a pretty regular schedule of dating experiences. It’s just in the last few months, as I’ve really dug in my heels to set a standard for what I want and stick to it, that dates have become a rare thing. In fact, in June and July, I’ve gone on a total of one date. As quietly annoying and occasionally lonely as this new regime has been, it’s also been good for me. Not easy, not fun (except for the fact that I’ve spent a LOT more time with my friends), but good and right.

So Simone took me by surprise when she said that, because it was actually true.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because I haven’t met anyone you’re dating in a long time,” she answered. That response gave me some insight into her way of thinking. For her, as long as she hadn’t met a “love interest” (her term), then I must not be dating much.

Then the discussion got really interesting. I told her that I did go out on dates, but that I wouldn’t introduce her to someone new unless I thought that person was going to be around for awhile. Simone countered, a little insulted, that she should be meeting the women I go out with right away, just to make sure she likes them.

We rolled up the windows as the squall finally coalesced, clouds, laden, moving quickly over the city, the sudden downpour drumming its tattoo on the roof the car. I had to shout above the rain’s timpani to explain that I wouldn’t spend time with a woman who didn’t understand Simone’s role in my life, and that, though Simone didn’t get to decide who I dated, it was unlikely I’d get serious with someone who wouldn’t fit with us. She seemed reassured, or at least mollified.

Just today, Simone and I were out at the park—I’m teaching her to ride her bike. The process got a lot less painful once I took the pedals off and started letting her coast along, getting used to the way the bicycle responds to her movements. The deal is, she coasts as far as she can, and then I walk her bike back to the top of the hill. We haven’t had a mutual meltdown in some time, now. In fact, Simone’s confidence has grown with the length of her coasting sessions, and she’s almost ready to try it with pedals.

But, anyway, we were walking her bike through the park when a very attractive woman with a very cute puppy sauntered across our path. Simone said, “Awww... what a cute puppy!” The woman smiled at us and kept walking.

I muttered, “The owner’s pretty cute, too.” Simone raised her eyebrows and smiled at me, and we went on with our lesson. A little while later, the woman and the dog came back our way, but this time a man was walking alongside her.

Simone looked at me, shrugged, smiled, and said, “Too bad!"

It was exactly what I was thinking.

Realizing that Simone has become a conscious stakeholder in this process has only increased my resolve to hold out for the the right person. It’s more than just wanting (really, really wanting) the next woman in our lives to be the one who stays for a long time; it’s also because, more than ever, I’m modeling relationship behavior for my not-so-little girl. I can’t make the mistakes of the past in front of her, because she’s so much more aware of the nuances than ever before. That’s a lot of pressure. But maybe it’s a good kind—maybe it’ll keep me moving in the right direction.

Because it can be tempting to backslide. I’m pretty vulnerable right now, with no one with potential in the picture for so long. It would be easy to settle into something that’s less than ideal, if only for the joy of a movie/couch/cuddle night.

My mom (and my youngest sister) have insisted that I make a list of what I’m looking for (actually, in a partner and also in a new place to live). They’re pretty smart, so I took their advice. The list isn’t terribly long, or overly specific. There’s no mention of hair or eye color; I don’t care if she’s taller or shorter than I am. But what is on the list is what’s truly important to me. I’m hoping it will keep me from acquiescing to the wrong situations—for the health of my own heart, to keep me from hurting the feelings of others, and for the protection of a little girl who’s looking for a girl energy infusion into our little family.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Quick plug: If you’ll look to the right, you’ll see my Lijit widget, which is a very cool blog enhancer. I’m actually entering a contest by writing this paragraph, but I’m going to tell you why I like it so much. 

Full disclosure — I love the people at Lijit (and tweet to/with them occasionally), and I really want to add Lijit to some of my other web projects when I have a sec. 

But take a look again, and you’ll see something very interesting—not only does it allow you to search all of my online presences for stuff (like, for instance, every time I wrote about a Ketel, up, dirty or mentioned how much I love kissing), but it also shows you the most popular searches (in this case, “peach.”). Cool for you. What’s cool for me is the amazing stats I get via email every day, from page views, to where in the world my readers come from (Japan? Really?) to the top searches that brought readers to this blog. Pretty great stuff. May I have my Kindle now, @micah, @tarable, @JMalan, @gracekboyle?

Comments

[Shannon]

I laughed when I saw this title in my inbox. My middle son asks all of the time when he is getting a "second dad."

I had introduced my boys to one guy I was sure was going to stick around for a very long time, but unfortunately did not (ouch it still hurts). That was painful to the boys, maybe even more so than it was to me, but yet, as recently as two nights ago when tucking him in he asked me again when he would get a second dad. All I can tell him is when I find someone who will love them just as much as I do, and since that is a lot, it may take a very long time.

[Tara Anderson]

Eric, thanks for the Lijit love and your entry into our storytelling contest. We definitely appreciate the local support.

The winner of the contest will be announced tomorrow so stay tuned for more details...