We were cleaning up after our healthy dinner of pan-fried mahi mahi, sautéed brussels, and steamed rice — it was our first meal together in nearly a week, and our first real chance to catch up after winter break. Simone’s mom had picked her up after our NYE trip to SF, and then it was my off-duty weekend and my kid-free days, so we hadn’t communicated much beyond our daily text messages and sharing stuff that entertained us via Instagram and Twitter DMs.
I’m super-sensitive to the time I have with the girl now, and even though I try to think around it, sometimes the ticking clock grabs me by the collar, and I can’t help realizing that my remaining Simone-in-the-house time is slipping away. It makes me anxious and a little weepy, which is why I try to push thoughts of her heading off to college out of my mind as soon as they make their way back in.
So stop asking me what I’m going to do with myself when she leaves.
But there we were, Simone stacking our plates to carry them to the sink, me telling her how proud I was to see her helping the family out on our visit to my baby sister’s house. She’d been especially helpful with her younger cousins, and had even cooked breakfast for the whole family one morning.
She turned on the hot water to rinse the Valentina sauce and last grains of white rice off our plates before putting them into the dishwasher.
“I have this thing I call my ‘teapot philosophy,’” she said. “You know, when I’m making tea, I always make sure there’s enough water in case someone else wants some.” She explained that this philosophy extended into everyday life, where she tried to be aware of ways to share and be generous in general.
I’ve always taught Simone to be gracious — to be kind and smile when ordering food or dealing with a customer service rep; to be aware of the effect her presence has on others, especially when traveling or as a guest in someone’s home; to err on the side of kindness in her interactions with people (especially teachers).
But, you know, she’s a teenager, so even though she manages to be charming when we’re out in the world, she can still be a selfish kid and a pain in the ass. Hearing her talk about her “teapot philosophy” helped me realize she’d internalized my modeling and made it her own. What an awesome mindset for a teenager to have!
Think about the way the world might look if more of us lived by the teapot philosophy. Smiling at strangers as you hold the door for them, or remembering the humanity of the telemarketer who’s just trying to pay the bills. Taking a moment to see if your coworker could do with a coffee on your way into the office, or taking a deep breath before firing off an angry email, or maybe not engaging in a toxic response when asking a few questions will get you to the heart of the matter.
We’re all in a hurry. We’re all stressed. We’re all angry about the world.
But, man, how good do those small, momentary breaks from distress feel, when you’re wrapped in the mantle of kindness after a random smile from a stranger or an unexpected kind word or text message in the middle of your day?
It’s harder to seethe when the person across from you makes a conscious decision to breathe and smile and pause, rather than argue back mindlessly. Every time you’re that person, you not only open a bridge to better communication, but you feed your soul and make your heart healthier.
For me, it’s all about the deep breaths. When I’m about to lose it, if I can remember to breathe slowly and fully, I can feel the tension in my body and brain subside just a bit. A deep breath can keep you from an angry escalation, but it can also give you a moment to realize you’re in a teapot philosophy moment, where buying an extra cookie or picking up the tab could spread a little warmth around.
We need more of those moments of connection and respite. We need to be more intentional in our generosity and sharing with others.
I know I could do better on this. And thanks to my tea-loving, introverted, geek goddess daughter, I’m going to.
Like father, like daughter! :-) Excellent read as always, Eric.
Posted by: Nina Nichols | February 07, 2018 at 03:40 PM