Not long after our divorce early in 2003, my best buddy and I were drinking cheap beers at the dining room table of his downtown Victorian. It was still winter, and since the departure of his longtime, live-in girlfriend, he’d had a propensity for keeping the thermostat set low. I don’t think I was wearing my winter coat in the house, but I’m pretty sure I was bundled in layers of long-sleeve shirts and a sweater. He probably had a ratty blanket wrapped around him. We were a pathetic sight.
We were both going through fundamental changes in our lives — newly single, untutored, generally clueless about how/why/if we could get out there and start dating again.
I look back at us now, and shake my head; at that moment, bereft and shivering, terrified about the future, we had no idea of the wonders ahead of us and no clue that our struggles together would provide the foundation for a friendship that would be even stronger almost decade later, even though we’re now separated by a few thousand miles of mountain and prairie.
But this story is about something that happened that night, when my pal said, “Hey, come here, take a look at this.”
He’d moved to his desk, which was also in the dining room, and had a window open on his computer. I could tell as I went to stand behind him that he was at an online dating site.
“Oh no,” I said. “I could never do online dating. It just sounds so...contrived.”
“I know,” he said, logging into Nerve Personals, his fingers clacking on the keyboard. “I thought that, too. But take a look.”
He rolled his chair back a little bit so I could peer at the screen; an array of photos of women with a snippet of information about each one. 10% were gorgeous, 15% percent were frightening, but the vast majority were just interesting enough to warrant further investigation.
We read through some of the profiles — Nerve asked funny, insightful questions that made just about anyone look witty at some level, so the reading was entertaining in its own right. My pal pointed out a few women he’d been emailing with, but we didn’t come across anyone I thought would be worth the humiliation of admitting I needed an online yenta.
And then...there she was. Sultry but approachable, a cute Jewish girl with dark features and warm eyes, whose answers to the various and sundry questions demonstrated a quirky intelligence. I was spellbound. My friend let me write to her via his account (since he’d paid for the service), and I wrote a florid email, explaining I wasn’t the account-holder but that I couldn’t resist reaching out.
She emailed me the next day, a few hours after I’d shelled out the cash to set up my own profile. Although we never actually went on a date, we did end up becoming friends, and we’re still in touch here and there.
But the Nerve Personals experience, with its emphasis on the intelligent creative target audience, was like a gateway drug into online dating for me. Suddenly, I had an answer to my fears of dating — my lack of game and mediocre small talk skills were irrelevant when I could write a funny, smart and self-deprecating online profile, and send out an email that was at once charming and compelling.
Suddenly, I had dates planned for most nights when I didn’t have Simone. Occasionally, I’d stack up several dates on the same day (I still get traffic for an early post — Rules for Online Dating).
The process was generally similar from target to target — I’d impress her with a well-written email, we’d chat online for a week or so, and then we’d meet.
And then I found May. Her photos of a small, curvy, and immensely pretty blondie were why I clicked on her profile, but it was the writing inside — clever, winking, salty, hilarious — that I fell for right away. We connected immediately, both picking up on our love of words, and began one-upping each other with funny and smart responses to each other’s questions.
We set up a time to meet, but May came down with a cold and had to cancel. By the time she was feeling better, I was traveling out of town, and it wasn’t until a couple more weeks of daily emails (dozens and dozens of long, flowing conversations) and late night IMs (lasting hours and hours) that we finally could set up a time to see each other. By then, I was certain I’d found an amazing woman, and I was giddy with the excitement of finally seeing her.
But she cancelled again — this time, because she’d decided to get back together with her ex-boyfriend. Truly, I was devastated. Sure, I’d been going on other dates, and had some other online stuff working, but nobody fed my intellectual appetites like she did.
I wrote her a kind, understanding response, nursed my sorrows over a big-ass martini (not daring to admit the source of my sadness to anyone), and did my best to let her go.
It was just a week later when I received an email from her again. I was out of town on a press junket. I just looked back into my email and found my response:
“I'm sitting at the Four Seasons, the french doors open to the balcony that overlooks the city — I can see the Hollywood sign, and an almost imperceptible breeze is blowing into the room, stirring the detritus from my pockets left on the desk — cab receipts, notes to myself, a gum wrapper. There are amazing fresh apples in the fruit bowl, and Fiji water on the nightstand. I can smell hints of ocean and eucalyptus and even that dryer smell you get when you're near an industrial laundry facility. And I saw your name in the Inbox, and my face got hot, and I felt a little dizzy, and I forgot where I was.”
And then we were writing again. Email after email. She was still dating the other guy, but she was writing to me, I thought, for the intelligent conversation she wasn’t getting. Looking at the emails I have saved, we did this for another couple of weeks, our mutual affection evident in every word we wrote.
Late, late one Saturday night, after we’d been emailing for hours, she asked me to wait for an email she was writing.
The email that arrived 30 minutes later had a subject line that read, “The Truth about Cats and Dogs.” I didn’t open it before taking a full few breaths, because I knew what that meant, and wanted to keep our fantasy love affair alive for just a few more moments.
I didn’t read the text first, no. I jumped straight down to the attachments. I suddenly realized I’d opened my heart to...well...it could be anyone. I nearly puked right there at my desk, my fingers shaking as I opened the first of the photos.
“Please let it be a woman,” I said to myself. “I don’t care about anything else. Please let her be a woman.”
And she was. Not small. Not blond. And her name wasn’t May. The pictures showed a pretty face on a large woman, and though I was still feeling heartbroken by the deception, at least she wasn’t some creepy guy leading me on and on. The story was that she’d written May’s profile for Nerve, and had responded to my initial email on May’s behalf because she wasn’t able to answer from work that day.
By the time May was ready to take over, she was already intimidated by the level of writing and rapport between us. So she asked her friend to keep writing on her behalf. And she did. And she did some more. Then May decided to get back together with her boyfriend, but her friend was in love with me. So May insisted she sever ties, which her friend did.
For a little while.
When she started back up, writing to me while I was in LA, it was without May’s knowledge; but our text-only relationship was exciting and loving, and she could be the woman she really wanted to be, at least via email.
After reading the email, I swore out loud. I rubbed at my face. I took three deep breaths. I didn’t know what to do.
So I called my baby sister, and when I read aloud the whole email, she laughed. She laughed loudly and at length. I wanted to throttle her through the phone.
“This is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” she said. “And it happened to you!” She made me tell her the whole story again, and then laughed some more that something so intense and funny and stupid happened to me “fresh out of the gate.” By the time we got off the phone, I was laughing, too.
So I replied to the email, giving this woman a choice: meet me for brunch the next day, or never speak to me again.
I recognized her by her chastened, embarrassed expression when she walked into the restaurant, and stood up when she approached the table. She wasn’t sure what to do, and I could see that she was shaking, so I gave her a hug. It may not have been the hug that I’d been looking forward to for so long, but it was one we both needed. It broke the ice, and then we spent the next two hours alternating between sheepish and laughing. My jaw hurt from the smiling.
The friendship that began that day gave me great pleasure over the years, and though we always talked about repurposing our hundreds of emails into book form, we never got to it.
In the years since, I’ve backed into the occasional text-only relationship. Some have turned into something real, if only for a short time, while others gradually ended, the intervals between texts and emails growing longer, from days to weeks to years. Facebook has taken some of the mystery out of the text-based love affair, and it has generally allowed for a more realistic understanding of who we are and what we’re about.
But some of those romances felt as emotionally palpable as a real-world dating experience. And even if I opened my heart to some degree, my early Cyrano moment gave me the strength to take pleasure in the nature of the thing, while not investing my heart completely. Even the most amazing, lovable, and perfect text girlfriend is only a theoretical construct until she makes an appearance in my physical world.
Until then, I may play along for a little while. But I won’t believe it’s really real until that first hug.
This is the first time you've actually made me laugh out loud. I am absolutely guilty of falling for a man's words before I ever met him. And also experienced in all that chemistry disappearing when he couldn't keep up in person. But I have to say, I never had a moment of "please let him be a man." Priceless! Thanks for continuing to surprise and delight. - Mp
Posted by: Marcia | June 24, 2011 at 03:45 PM
I, too, fell in love with the words. Lucky for me, the man attached to them was a)a man, and b)charming, smart, and cute. It is the words, really, that made me see beyond what I had been finding myself dating at the time. Thank goodness he was persistent with his writing, or I might not be here with him, 16+ years later, with our two lovable boys, and a marriage built on words - kind, truthful, and loving. I know it's sappy, but I am my brother's sister.
Posted by: Sarah | June 24, 2011 at 07:37 PM
Great post. As someone just getting back into the dating scene and trying out online dating, I can say I am completely unprepared for it. I am pretty sure there is no real way not to be awkward in that initial note. Yeah, I can do the funny, pithy, engaging note, but it still has an awkward feel to it. I need to go back and read your rules for online dating next.
Posted by: Dad the Single Guy | July 11, 2011 at 11:58 AM
Hello Dear,
I wouldn't know what exactly you want in a relationship,but i guess the most important thing is being honest with each other.Though i feel reluctant discussing about myself and my current situation to you,cos i don't know how you'll feel.But i guess its important that you know all about me and the current status i am in,so that we'll know if we are to move further.
I have had loads of bad experiences in my past relationship and i wouldn't want to fall into the same situation anymore.I want to count on you, as a respected and honest person with sincerity, trust and confidentiality.I will like you to give me your words that you'll treat me right,if we are ever going to be together.I am telling you all this, then you can decide if you still want to meet me or not, so that we will not waste each other's time.
I've been having problems with my Dad before he passed away , i have left the UK after the death of my Mom in United Kingdom. MY Dad works with Oil Contractors in UK and Africa include some parts of the Asian and American. I work with my father as his personal auditor and we move around for his contracts wherever he is awarded.
My first boy friend, Victor Glashow, absconded with my dad's money which was kept with me after a completion of a contract in EAST London,UK. When my boy friend got absconded with the undisclosed sum of US dollars, this brought the first broken up between me and my dad, cos he thought, we have the deal together, but not knowing that I'm an innocent about this. So my dad has been harsh and tough against me about this before he passed away.
After all these happened to me and caused by my Ex Husband, Then when I perceived all his behaviors towards me and the bad acts of his newly gotten wife I joined a dating site (www.cupidbay.com) where I met an African guy online here who promised heaven and earth that he wants to marry me and make me happy in life; "I never knew I was going from Fry-pan to Fire". The African man told me of an investment opportunities in Africa and he convinced me to come along with lots of money while coming down, which I did. On getting here, all his intention was to take away the money from me and leave me alone.
I came from the United States with a total sum of 3.2 millionUSD with all the money I've gotten from my Dad's business and contracts renumeration before he died. Because the African guy told me of an idea to investment in Oil firms here. When I got here, he made all possibles means to get the money from me and get away with my money. Then when I noticed this, I took the money and my traveling boxes and deposited it with a Security/Insurance Company here in Africa in order to safe myself and my assets. Thereafter I left the guy's apartment to an hotel where I am in right now and from which I am communicating with you now.
Now, I'm in need of your help, I will pay for your rent and give you 30% of the total money in the boxes,only if you could be of help and be honest with me. have gotten the enough money to run myself when I get to USA, i want to come over to your end and we can start a new life together.I want a relationship that base on truth and love, I don't want to live here anymore, you know I'm a foreigner here and it is absolutely danger for me here, so that is why i need your gesture assistance.
How i want you to help me? I have some money, which I've gotten from an over invoiced Contract renumeration executed by my dad with some contractors in Trinidad and Tobago under an Oil Firm , that was the money I brought here for an investment while coming to meet the African guy, but I've hiding the money up from the guy here in West Africa and I've left his apartment, because i might got setup if I did not act fast, so for me to be more safe and secure, I put this money in 2 traveling boxes and got it locked up with a security code known to me only, and I deposited the boxes with some of my traveling luggages with a Security and Insurance Company who render private diplomatic delivery service and i told them that the two boxes are my traveling luggage, which I want to send forth to U.S.A because I'm returning home, then i paid them up their custody and security fee, but I did not tell them that the boxes contain money in order to make everything secure and safe.
So, I want the boxes sent to you while i catch up with you as soon as it is been delivered to you while I come over to meet you and we can start a new life together. Every arrangement for the delivery is kinda perfect, I have obtained customs papers for private freight and there are seals on the boxes showing that it is a private delivery and check performed, it is free from customs checks, it will be delivered at your door step by the diplomats of the security company, you do not need to burn out to receive it. And the boxes have security codes lock known to me only, only me can open the boxes, except if I tell anyone the Code, so the Boxes cannot be opened on the Way of delivery to you.
I am counting on you and i will really appreciate your trust towards this.Let me know if you are still interested in me and if you are willing to help me towards this so that i can give you the contact information of the Insurance company. Hope to hear from you soon.
please if interested here is my yahoo id get back to me so to have a better conversation there(c a r i n g l a d y _ 8 6 @ y a h o o . c o m )
God Bless...
Melinda jebread..xoxo
Posted by: melina | August 16, 2011 at 02:27 AM
I didn't mark this as spam because it's such an ironic addition to this particular column!
Posted by: EricElkins | August 16, 2011 at 08:35 AM
Ha! Love the writing (but couldn't get through the crazy lady diatribe above). Great article. I had a similar experience with match.com this summer - absolutely fantastic emails back and forth. I forgot about my kids for the first time in two years, stayed up late flushed with excitement and fear every time I'd press 'send'; then stomach wrenching minutes passed awaiting a reply. We were 'en pointe', my respiratory therapist and I, a smokin' duo of sparkling repartee. It lasted a few weeks, or the equivalent of 5 pounds of nervous, twittering weight loss. And then we met. Nothing. Crickets.
Lesson learned - if I'm ever on those sites again (I took myself off because for the love of God who has the time for that kind of emotional investment? Who knew?), I'll insist on meeting for coffee early on, before the email heats up, because if the spark is only there on paper, it doesn't amount to a hill of beans. But the 5 lbs was nice.
Posted by: Lisa | March 05, 2012 at 08:29 PM
Thanks, Lisa!
But, whatever you do, don't meet for coffee. At least make it cocktails.
Posted by: EricElkins | March 05, 2012 at 10:23 PM
I just found your blog today. I'm a soon to be single mom of two kids (with no desire to date right now) trying to figure out my new life... I recently started, I don't know...I guess we can calling it "dating"...a divorced dad with three kids of his own and a shared custody arrangement. We have been texting and also had a few late night phone conversations in addition to a few long meet for coffee dates...It is amazing to me that you can really get to know someone with way, but I feel like that is exactly what it happening. Text makes it easy to say the things we think, but can't always say. Your story was funny & sweet and a little bit sad too. Good luck out in the world.
Posted by: Jen | March 16, 2012 at 12:58 PM
Thank you, Jen. Take a deep breath, and take your time!
Posted by: EricElkins | March 16, 2012 at 03:12 PM
Anyone can be witty by email. I'm not saying.. I mean your writing is good:) but so many people are just some kind of alter-egos of themselves, someone they'd like to be in their fantasies. That's the danger of internet. Uncontrolled fantasies far from reality. People please be real, that's much more exciting and you feel it and that's precious! (God, I shared my opinion online. Again)
Posted by: mary | May 18, 2012 at 06:53 AM
just saw the film Catfish
similar to this
so good
Posted by: beckyc | November 23, 2012 at 08:56 AM