Return of the Father, October 2010

 

I was in Atlanta, attending the first-ever summit of dad bloggers, when I finally understood that I wasn’t alone. I’m not sure if it happened during our interview on CNN, or over a decadent dinner at a local restaurant, or maybe just between sessions, chatting with fathers like me — fathers who were proud of their roles in their children’s lives.

The media has had a long love affair with the hapless and incompetent dad; the Homer Simpsons of the world are much more prevalent than the Better off Teds. It’s easy to write off fathers as clueless boobs who work too much, ignore their kids, and don’t know the first thing about parenting. The well-meaning but blundering papa, who, at best, garners love and bemused tolerance from his kids, is a lot more entertaining than the kick-ass dad who can change a diaper while finishing up a conference call and figuring out what to cook for dinner. 

There’s plenty of well-written, self-congratulatory stuff out there about active fathers, and it’s exciting to see awareness growing. We can all agree that good dads should be celebrated, and that the negative stereotypes can be damaging. 

The bigger question I’ve been dealing with has been around the kids who don’t have good fathers or positive male role models in their lives. As a single dad with many single mom friends, I’m privy to stories that make my stomach hurt. For all of the back-patting we’re doing, there are plenty of pops out there who are causing serious damage to their children, whether through neglect or general cluelessness. I am sure there are horror story moms, too (I’ve gone on dates with some of them), but fathers seem a lot more likely to make bad choices when it comes to their offspring.

My female friends complain about exes who decide to move far away from their kids and start new families; dads who refuse to be consistent in their parenting duties; others who, when they do have their kids, are incapable of parenting without the assistance of a girlfriend or babysitter. I hear about dads who make plans to see their children and often cancel at the last minute. And I’m tortured by depressing stories about fathers who force their kids into relationships with the next new woman in their lives. 

I am not judgmental by nature, but I do know what’s good and what’s bad for kids. Piling broken promises and disappointments on top of inappropriate behavior or bullied acceptance of a new situation is not going to help the next generation become well-balanced adults capable of maintaining healthy relationships. We model for our kids 24/7, whether we’re with them or a few time zones away. Every decision we make has an effect on the lives of our children. And with the paucity of strong, well-balanced dad-type figures in these kids’ lives, how will the boys grow up to be good men, and how will the girls grow up to recognize a worthy partner?

The major iniquities tend to fall into three trends:

There are the dads who just aren’t around very often, if at all. When you don’t make a point of spending time with your children, they make up their own stories for why you’re not around. And kids are little narcissists — everything is about them. They believe your actions are a result of something they did or didn’t do, or something they said. So when you disappear, or don’t make them a priority, they tend to assume it’s their fault. And they figure they’re just not very important to you. Sadly, it doesn’t matter what you say — no number of phone calls or reassurances will convince them you actually care. Want to make your kid feel valued? Be there.

Then there are fathers who do want to spend time with their kids, but are inconsistent in their scheduling, leaving their sons and daughters constantly wondering if dad is going to show up or cancel again. The single moms are left explaining why daddy had to change the plan at the last minute. Kids need stability. They thrive when their lives have some structure and predictability. If you don’t have a consistent schedule, then every time you make a last-minute request to see your kid, every time you’re scheduled to be with your child and you cancel, you put him or her on unstable footing, not knowing what to expect. It’s stressful, and you make your relationship with your child wobbly and precarious. Then you wonder why she has a meltdown an hour into your time with her. Go figure.

Hey, congratulations if you’ve found yourself a great woman, and you’re excited to start a life with her. But give the kids some time to adjust. First, if you’re freshly divorced, and your children are just getting used to separate households, don’t be an asshole and bring a new woman into their lives right away. That’s way too much transition, and it’s selfish. She may be the most amazing woman on the planet, but you do her (and your kids, if you care) a disservice by forcing everyone into a new family environment before your youngsters have had a chance to adjust to the major changes in their lives. Holy crap, I’ve heard about this scenario so many times, and it makes me queasy — the dad finds a girlfriend immediately (or already had her), and she becomes a part of the family before the children have begun to heal from the tumult of the divorce. You want your kids to love your new love? Want them to appreciate her? Then don’t make it so they associate her with the destruction of their family. Second, if you’ve been single for some time, and you’re finally with someone who could really stick around for awhile, that’s terrific. Let your kids into that part of your life slowly, carefully, and with lots of love and patience. Don’t force the integration...take your time. Protect your kids.

Enough ranting. The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it all, and that’s what really breaks my heart.

When I was an elementary school teacher, I was also the sole positive male role model in many of my students’ lives. I did everything I could to live up to that responsibility. I was manly but sensitive, funny and serious. I was loving (but not in a creepy way) and warm, but created appropriate buffers. But I’m not a teacher anymore. I don’t have the time to devote to being a big brother to a troubled child. And..well...dating every woman with a child in need of a male role model just isn’t scalable.

A few months ago, I put out the call to all men to strive, to grow, to stop being beta weaklings. But my call-to-action was ethereal. Being a better man — being the man the women and children in our lives truly deserve — isn’t concrete. It isn’t tactical. I don’t have a list of things you could or should do today to take up the challenge.

We have more and more resources to help us make good decisions and learn from others’ mistakes in our own parenting, but that still doesn’t give us the know-how or ability to step up and be there for kids with absent or incompetent fathers. Or the right, really, I suppose.

Look, I’m an active, involved father. And a business owner. And an author. And a blogger. And a non-profit founder. And someone who counts on a martini or two. And I go to the gym, hang with friends, and try to get some dates here and there. I’m not even the busiest of fathers I know. It’s all we can do to be present and active in our own children’s lives...how are we supposed to help anyone else?

I truly, truly have no idea. I just know that we need to do something. Soon.

___

Some other coolness - this month, I was a guest blogger on “The Graceful Divorce,”  and wrote a piece about my cousins’ civil partnership ceremony for Elephant Journal!

 

Comments

[PJ Mullen]

Aside from loving to focus on the negative there are unfortunately still far to many bad examples of fatherhood out there for the media to focus on. I've maintained the opinion that this evolution of fatherhood that we are experiencing will take another generation to take shape. Fathers like yourself, our mutual friend C.C. and the other fine gentlemen we met at M3 are great examples for our children and our children's children of what a father should be like. It is frustrating that none of us have the answers on how we can do more (including having the ability to slap some sense into the true deadbeats of the world), but what we are doing is a great start. Nice post.

[Family Matters]

First, I think you've already done more than most, so at least feel a little better.

Second, writing like this and having a following IS doing something important, so feel a little better still.

Third, helping nice Jewish people meet for cocktails is admirable, but only if they're nice (oh, and the link to that isn't, um, linked).

Finally, there is no limit to what you can do once you put your mind to it, so just keep that focus (or foc.us, whichever) and keep looking. Social ripples are powerful forces, although they are very unpredictable, but if you keep "making waves" around the topic of man's (dad's) position in society and attitude towards life, something is likely to catch on.

Good luck,
Gal

[Lpfischer.wordpress.com]

I see two parallel trends: a strong growth in responsible fatherhood, and I'm-going-to-be-a-15-yo-forever. To start with the latter: there's a group of adult boys out there who just refuse to grow up or to adopt the behaviour or responsibilities of an adult. They've grown up with mothers doing everything, with a constant high level of service, and now they expect that to continue forever. As a result, they are not really looking for partners, they are looking for women to be substitute mothers to them. Not surprisingly, their relationships usually do not last, and being a father is entirely alien.

But there's also a trend for men to become more involved in their families, to be equal partners in all things. To share running a household, raising kids, and being responsible for family affairs. We see men taking more and more parental leave, staying home when kids are sick, leaving work early to pick up kids, and in general share responsibility rather than being assistants to their wifes. This is a process of changing social expectation - in the family, in the workplace, in business, everywhere. It's a slow process, but I see signs we're making progress on many fronts.

I'm hopeful that this trend is leading to better fathers for most kids. I wish there would be support from policy makes, more drive, but the progress is there anyhow.

[Financial Help]

Single dads are still getting a bad rap. Unfortunately the only thing that we can do about it is to make sure that we are setting an example rather than being an example. I personally don't understand how any parent could not step up and take responsibility for their kids.

financial help for single dads

[single dad]

Hi there I just drop by your post because I'm searching some information to help me out with my situation. Anyway, I'm a single dad of 2 age 5 and 3 I'm so glad to drop by your blog. I really enjoyed reading your every post. Thanks for sharing this I really appreciate the effort.