The Dating Dad: Rules for a Great Night Out: January, 2008

My buddy D is in a similar place to where I was five very long years ago. His wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore, and he woke up one morning as a single dad with a young daughter and a house in the suburbs. So he’s been looking to me to guide him as he dips his toe back into the local dating pool (a shallow one here in the Denver metro…one could almost classify it as one of those plastic backyard deals with illustrations of SpongeBob taking a dip at Goo Lagoon).

I still make my share of blunders, but, as his sole single guy friend, I do feel some sense of responsibility for helping him find his way. And, well, he could definitely use some guidance. It’s not like I’m some sort of bar-hopping guru, but I’ve had good teachers—I’ve been trained pretty well in best practices when it comes to having a great time out with your pals and heading home at the end of the night with a set of digits or two.

So this is for you, D-man.

Rules for a Successful Night Out

Stage One: Preparation
Attire: Do yourself a favor and put some effort into what you’re going to wear. You don’t have to be a metrosexual to understand that your choice of a college hoodie and baggy jeans with sneakers is going to undermine your ability to follow that cute redhead in the black cocktail dress over to Corridor 44 at the end of the night. And if you happen to be dressed a level or two above your buddies, well, who’s going to get the attention? Of course, it’s even better when you’re out on the town with a small posse of well-dressed guys. Chicks dig that.

Pre-loading: If you’re in for a serious night of carousing, get some food and water into you before you hit the bars. I recommend starchy and protein-rich — make yourself a turkey sandwich with thick slices of bread, lettuce, and lots of mayo. Supplement with tater tots, and you’re golden! And drink at least a couple glasses of water. If you’re starting at happy hour and moving into eight hours of going shot-for-shot with your favorite barfly, find some dogs or a couple of slices along the way, and pound water.

Stage Two: The early hours (until 10:32 pm or so)
Mindset: Here’s the biggest lesson my stalwart friend, best teacher, and worst influence taught me—go out with only the goal in mind of having fun with your friends. If you fill your brain with thoughts of meeting the woman of your dreams, or at least hooking up with a mildly attractive stranger, then every decision you make is going to be shaded by that very low probability. You may score, but you probably won’t. So don’t worry about it—just have fun. You won’t exude that noxious scent of desperation, and you’ll actually enjoy yourself. You think that tall brunette in the corner wants to hang out with a guy who’s not having any fun with his pals?

Drinks: I learned very quickly that beer is not the best choice when you’re out for the long haul. Nothing ends a conversation faster than you attempting to stifle a burp of Fat Tire and Vienna Beef when you’re sitting at the bar, chatting up the woman sitting next to you, who happens to be friends with the woman you really want to meet, who’s another seat over. My preference is vodka. Clear, cold, clean. I’ll start the night with Ketel martinis, up, dirty. They go down easy (like your mom), but not too easy.

How to Talk to Her: Okay, so you’re boozing it up with your friends, the banter is free-flowing, and you notice the cutest girl in the room—shoulder-length brown hair, green eyes, dimples—keeps smiling at you. If you don’t do something about it, you’ll regret your decision for the rest of the night. (you will, no matter how much you justify your lack of initiative later. Trust me). Wandering over to start a conversation is the hardest thing, ever. Inertia is a powerful force. So get your legs moving, sidle over, and offer to buy her a drink. Easy. And dial down the rhetoric and enthusiasm. Get out of her face and let her breathe. If you buy her the drink and don’t get the vibe that she wants to have a conversation, find your way back to your friends, and make sure she sees you having a great time the rest of the night.

Stage 3: Mid-to-sloppy drunk
Activities to Avoid: Arm wrestling, staring too hard at other guys’ dates, trying to pick up the hot bartender, slobbering over the cocktail waitress, arguing loudly with your friends over anything remotely relating to science fiction, technology, or politics. Playing “Categories” in public.

Drinks: Time to step up the water—have a full glass with every drink moving forward, including those three shots of Tuaca. Switch to mixed cocktails—Stoli and tonic, Crown and Coke. If you’re starting to yawn, order a double vodka and Red Bull (or, better yet Rockstar and vodka). My tutor tends to go with Stoli and soda with a splash of cranberry, but that always seems a bit too…pink…for me.

On Patrol: Even if you’re having a really good time with your friends, you’re all feeling the sense that the night is escaping. Your best intentions of not worrying about meeting someone cute have now officially evaporated. It’s after midnight, you’re loaded, and, though you’ll probably go home alone, it’s time to give it your best shot. The good news is that some of the women still out at this point are thinking the same thing. Eye contact becomes more brazen, and the signal-to-noise ratio has shifted in your favor. At this point, you’re not going to remember anything you read here, so I’m not going to bother.

Stage 4: Sauced, gassed, pixilated, blitzed, blotto
All you need to know: Don’t. Drive. No matter where you live, cab fare is going to be cheaper and less painful than a DUI. And a night on your best bud’s couch is going to be a lot more comfortable than a night in a cell. And, dude, you have a kid. Don’t screw up by driving drunk.